The new Fox Comedy “That’s My Duhleezah!” Episode One.
D: “Yo niggahs, lets get some watermelon and fried chicken”
Rufus: “Did she just say the N word? Oh no she dint!”
Jaqueesha:”Its cool, shes a sista, I think?” waves head back and forced confused
D: “It’s all cool, Hey stop watching me getting banged by my big black stud”
Rufus: “Dat sex tape is gettin around” (… ‘bang me like a big black whore you you’ sex tape fades off)
D: My father might be coming to town this week. But we are distant
Rufus: Your BLACK father?
D: No no My Czech one of course!
Jaqueesha: “Her mother is black, one drop rule ya know!”
D: No (eating the chicken) shes not black either, I’m the only black in my family
Rufus and Jaqueesha stare at each other bug eyed
D: “Hey lets go shopping at Prada for new handbags!”
Rufus: Dat don sound Black to me!
D: “Oh not that Prada, Roots Prada, the jamaican designer”
Ha ha ha they all laugh
Jaqueesha: Hey what happened to your art show, we heard you were about to win!
D: “Dey’s RACISS! They disqualified all my art for being tooo RACIAL”
Jaq: That’s Horrible. We will get some sisters down there and picket those honkies
D: No, it was the blacks who did it. They said it was white art
Rufus: Dasssis ridiculous how can a black girl make white art
D: Das what I was try to tellem! Didn’t I march in the NAACP Didn’t I lead Black Lives Matter!
Jaq: Uhhuh you did! Uhuhuh uh-hum!
Rufus: Ain no way a black lady can make white art thats the truth of it
D: Oh whats this letter? My all black university says I owe them sixty thousand dollars Whaaa!
Jaq: What? Those schools are all free for black people.
D: I KNow thats why I went there! So why are they sending me a bill
Rufus: Maybe its because YOURE WHI…
Jaq: Don say it!
Rufus: Maybe its because your Honkie ass wasnt supposed to go to an all black school
D: Dont be ridiculous, where else was a black girl to go? Are my braids getting loose? Jaqueesha pull on these braids and see if they will hold up to my night of sex with Dashitavious. He pulls a lot you know.
Jaq: Girl got it crazy for the black man.
Man: Ms. DuhLeezah, you’ve been relieved for your job at the university. Apparently you aren’t qualified you only got the job with affirmitive action. Oh and the IRS is also asking for all those earned income tax credits back. And your 100,000 handout for being a farmer from the Pigford fund, they want that back too.
D: “I’m RUINED how will I ever get the money to repay them!”
Rufus: “You still got that sex tape?”
D: “Uh Huh”
Rufus smiles: “Thats pure gold. You need a deal. Make it go international”
D: “But I don’t want my butt on TV sets across the world” (pout pout)
Jaq: Yah cause your butt is so white my duck is more tanned than you!
D: I’m just fair skinned for a black. It’s my litivigo
Rufus on phone “Hello vivid, yah we got a tape for you. You’ll take it? How much”
Rufus: Good news, they are taking your tape. They are going to call it White Honeyies on Black Studs III – the Stallion Maker. And we get 300,000. Of course after my 100,000 commission you get jsut enough to pay your bills.
D: well thats good I guess. But why would they call it that? They should call it Raw Black Lust Couples or something
Rufus: Look money is money!<> Let’s go out for ribs and celebrate
D: Yes, the ribs at PF Changs are jsut so tasty with that hoisin sauce
Jaq: PF Changs! I aint eatin with no chinaman!
Rufus: AJs Ribs and chitterlings. Now thats a mean rib. You do like Chitterlings duhLeezah?
D: Uh yah of course I do (turns to Jaq: whats a chitterling! Thats disgusting!)
later at the rib shop
rufus lets out a big fart.
Rufus: Oh man four plates. Eat DuhLeezah, we all know a black woman can’t have too much fat on her bones
Duhleezah: Uhm, I’ve been worried about my swimsuit fitting
Rufus: Nonsense, you’ve got no junk in your trunk no junk at all in fact!
Jaq: Yah, your the flattest assed sistah I’ve ever seen. No man will want u. so keep eating!
Man from across the room, white and dorky. “Karen. Karen is that you? It’s me Josh, we used to date in high school. Hi I’m josh. Oh love the new hair.”
D: “You must be mistaken, I’m Duhleezah!
Josh: No, I dont think so, I still have the picture from our prom (pulls out pic of white guy and white girl
Rufus: See it aint her, that’s a white girl you crazy fool!
Josh: (confused) but but I mean… well yes you’ve a bit more tan and the hair but… youre still a white girl Karen.
D: I’ve adopted a black identity.
Rufus: Gimme them ribs honkie. I knew it I knew it. She aint black at all
Jaq: Oh Duleeeesha! how coulds you! We loved you like family! LIKE FAH-MUH-LIE!
Josh: I’m confused.
rufus and Jaq storm out with the ribs.
D: I just wanted to live with my own kind!
Josh: Youre kind is WHITE Karen.
D: No cant you see. Look closely. I just LOOK like a white girl. I’m really BLACK all this time I had to hide the truth from you. But now, now, the secret is out. I can never date a white man Josh. I date mandingos now.
Josh: I just can’t believe it. I guess… I was wrong
Waitor: Here is your wibs and chitterlings. Oh miss, can you sign my sex tape?
Josh looks down: Black Studs III ??? What the hell!
“Thats My DuhLeezah! Coming this fall to FOX”